Re: suggestions for keeping expectations realistic and for attachment/bonding:
Remember that hard isn’t wrong.
Remember that the child you’re struggling with may be the child that cares for you in your old age.
When you cannot view a child as “your precious child,” view them as “God’s precious child” and love them accordingly.
Remember that you yourself are an adopted child of your Heavenly Father, and as such, you have significant attachment issues yourself.
Speak blessings; thank God aloud, in their presence and regularly, for the incredible blessing each child is and for the fruit you see in their lives.
Ask God to help you notice behaviors that are important to Him and not notice behaviors that are not important to Him.
When you look at your children, smile at them.
Remember, it is not over, until it is over.
Julie B. (mom to 13)
What would you advise as the best preparation for international adoption?Are there any suggestions for keeping expectations realistic and for attachment/bonding?
small world said...
Ray's comments for best prep for international adoption:1.Get your ENTIRE family on board before you begin. There will be bumps in the road.2.Consider your birth order and do not change it easily.3.Consider an older child as well4.Realize that you are not in control and that God has a plan. He just needs obedient followers.5.This adoption is not about you getting children, but rather children getting parents.Theresa's comments on realistic expectations for bonding.1.Know that changing a child's survival skills into a dependency on you is NOT an easy or quick process.2.Be prepared to spend many hours dealing with the trauma adoptive children come with.3.Skin to skin contact is essential to the bonding process.4."Rejection" from the adopted child is not about you, it is their way of rejecting the pain they have already experienced in their lives. It may take a long time to work through the pain and have trust develop.5.Celebrate any little break through.6.Let your heart break with and for your child.These are a few thoughts we had tonight.They are neither complete, nor thorough. Just things to think about. We do not consider ourselves experts. We only speak from our experiences with our own adoptions.
Ray and Theresa 9 children from age 22-1year 5 bio, 4 adopted
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Words of Wisdom
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9 comments:
I won't pretend to have any great wisdom to impart, but I do have some experience to share. The #1 thing I didn't plan for was how bonding might be difficult for ME. It was very different than my experience of giving birth and I honestly feel that I struggled more than anyone else with bonding/attachment - anyone else in our family of four, that is. I really had to give myself permission to be OK with it not happening as fast as I had hoped. Really, I hadn't even "hoped." I think I simply expected the love I thought I felt all those months waiting to come to life in our relationship instantly. It didn't happen that way. Partially because though I had *felt* the adoption process was something like a pregnancy, in truth, it was not. All those months, I didn't have a relationship, as one does when carrying a child in the womb. It seems so obvious now that I had place expectations there that I should not have.
I had to be OK with feeling what I was feeling...allowing myself to process what I was feeling and for the attachment to form in its own time. And, yes, it took time. I feel sad for myself when I reflect on where I was at "back then." But, I needed to be there to get here. It was part of the journey and, honestly, I think the connection is possibly stronger for it. I feel sorry that I didn't get to experience the precious connection immediately; however, that wouldn't have been real for me in this situation. I needed that time. And that's OK.
This isn't to say we weren't learning and growing and loving all the while. We were. But, the connection took awhile to form. I hadn't expected that. Really, I thought, "Well, he'll need some time." He did. He had to grieve the loss of all he had known and the people who had loved him in Ethiopia. But, truly, he adjusted quickly and with such great spirit. I didn't count on the time I would need. I think he needed a lot less time than I did. :)
Erica
Jori! I just love you! I think of you, pray for you and hope all the best for you, your husband & work and your family! If we lived near each other we would never get anything done! LOL
With much love,
Amy
Thanks for your note on my blog, Jori. Email me anytime. The process was really tough for me, so I can probably sympathize...if not that, then I can certainly empathize. :) I'm *still* working through stuff and it's been...10 months. Anyway, I just said a prayer for you. I'm not in the YG loop anymore, so I'm just going off what you typed in my comments. However, I pray you'll be covered with God's grace & mercy throughout the transition. Look forward to some more pictures on the blog (no pressure!).
XOXO
Erica
Jori,
Thanks for posting these words of wisdom. The adjustment period is hard. I don't think I was prepared for what it would be like at all... I don't really know how I could've been. It's definitely been a process for me.
Praying for you and your family. :)
Tisha
Jori:
Please know that we are continuing to pray for you and your adjustment period!!
As I told you before, we have a daughter that was adopted domestically 4 years ago and she has severe ADHD and RAD. There are days when I wish I was anywhere but here and it's not fun some days but with Gods help, we are surviving and you will too!!
We love you and you can call or e-mail anytime!
Love,
Mel
321-757-6752
meliharp@juno.com
Jori, Thank you for your transparency and for posting such wise words for us to read. I hope you don't mind if I steal them-- especially the top part... those were my favorite :). I feel that way now with my kids-- especially with Tony being gone.
Also, thank you for your Soldier's Christmas poem. I confess that I saw you had posted it quite some time ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to read it-- too close to home right now :) But, now that the fuss of the holidays are over and I survived it... well, I just had to read it, and I'm so glad I did!
Just think, someday soon, you will be over this season of transition and I will be calling on you for advice, prayer and encouragement!
Much love,
Shari
Psalms 27:13-14
Jori- I love you!! Praying for you...
xxoo
candy
Thanks for this post. As we wait to bring our son home, my mind constantly fills with "what if's" -- I don't want to be fearful, but I do want to be realistic. Not passing court may have been God's way of softening my expectations...more grounded, less giddy.
Hi Jori. I bought the book you suggested and its in my suitcase. What you've posted is exactly what I'm worried about. I must say, I'll probably be calling you for advice when we get back. Hugs and Prayers.
Stephanie
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